鼠ん

I keep doing nasty things

Sat, 19 Sep 2026 20:49:41 GMT

I think there's something hard-wired in my heart and soul intended to make me miserable and to die an early death. I can't stop doing nasty and dangerous things! My heart aches and my head spins no matter what. My limbs are always in pain due to general weakness and a mistake I made many years ago. I think I have to throw in the towel one of these days.

Every time I wake up I discover a brand new way to feel sick and new evidence of self destruction (in one of various forms) left from the previous day that I usually can't for the life of me remember actually doing. It's like there is an evil spirit possessing me.

I don't think this evil spirit is really a thing, so I need to stop blaming it. The only evil spirit and ghost in my life is Akuryou Obake, and he's done nothing to me except inspire a kind and creative life, so I should stop calling all my wild and dangerous feats "Akuryou Obake aura" lol
it's not like I can even match his level of cool with the way he hurts himself

My family kind of thinks ignoring my issues will make them go away though and it's making me sicker and sicker as time goes on. The days are ticking down until I see a psychiatrist for the first time so hopefully they can fix me when it happens...mentally at least. the physical issues are maybe bust forever

じゃあね。

comments

I'm drinking peach soju tonight~~

Sat, 19 Sep 2026 08:45:00 GMT

I had trouble sleeping last night, and I got really sick. I slept early, then I stayed up late, then I went to sleep and slept until an...okay time I think. Now I'm drinking peach soju. It's certainly not my favourite in terms of flavour, despite my love for peach-flavoured things, but it works for my alcoholism.

Soju is dangerous because I'm a lightweight and it's the cheapest option locally in return for its alcohol percentage. That's what I love about it. I don't have the money for all of that.

Anyway, today I was supposed to watch Kaiji with my friends, but something went wrong so that's rescheduled for tomorrow. Tonight I hang out with my girlfriend and get fucked up! As God wills it.

かんぱい！じゃあね！

comments

I got to sleep early last night.

Wed, 16 Sep 2026 04:36:07 GMT

I'm still working on my sleep. Obviously. I feel so extremely exhausted that I could cry... but I woke up around 8AM today, after over 10 hours of sleep. Is it progress? I don't actually know. But it's... something lol

Metronome released their new album today. It's definitely a Metronome album, and I liked it, especially the fake pop-punk sounding track Riu composed (EVERYTHING=LIFE). I really have a soft spot for that stuff from Metronome. But I can't tell if Sharaku is just using his regular vocal style, or if he sounds... sick ??

My best friend pointed out that he sounded similar when he was in the band Cuckoo, so maybe it's the former.
I found out they're doing an online signing event so against my better judgement I bought the CD. It comes with a postcard and they'll sign it and maybe even say my screen name...

...isn't the concept of a virtual in-store really funny? Kind of, uh, defeats the point? Of meeting the guys?

well, I'm looking forward to that. So I'll force myself to stay awake until 8pm for Sharaku's sake. lalala ~~

じゃあね！

comments

Trying to fix my sleep schedule

Tue, 15 Sep 2026 08:02:36 GMT

I woke up around 10AM today, which is good. After only 3 hours of sleep, which is bad. My life is falling apart.

I feel like I'm sitting between dream and reality at all times... sleep deprivation is doing awful numbers to my body, spirit, heart & mind. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm yawning as I type this, and I'm so sad and lonely, and I want nothing more than to go to bed. But I feel like I have to wait another hour or two.

I saw my employment supervisor today, and my friend Harm gifted me a 3D model, as detailed in my last post. I had pretty good luck and hyper-won a Mahjong game. But aside from that I can't think of what I've done today. I can't think of what happened today at all. It's not even a blur, or a muddy puddle, it doesn't exist. It is nothing. My brain is fucked up and my body hurts more than anything.

I want to go to sleep... please...

Oh, I booked a doctor's appointment for a week from now. I'm going to beg the dude for lithium or at least a psych referral lol. My bipolar disorder is kicking my ass
and everything hurts
and I suffer from severe insomnia due to both mania and depression
and I hate it all

じゃあね。

comments

The more alcohol tastes like cough syrup the more I enjoy it.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:36:51 GMT

As a child, I always looked forward to consuming medicine. Cough medicine especially. I liked children's cough medicine, due to its strange flavour, but the adult stuff intrigued me even more. It had such a unique taste I couldn't help but love it.

Sometimes I would sneak around just to get a taste of cough medicine when I wasn't sick.

This apple-flavoured soju, that came with a shot glass of its own, tastes exceedingly like cough medicine. I love it!

comments

I cut my hair.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:36:31 GMT

I'll probably make a proper blog post about it later, but... I cut my hair! I bought one of those razor combs and went at it, aided by my old hair scissors. I have fucked up emo-ish bangs now. The downside of this is that I have to straighten my hair all the time... or else.

Also, I stopped shaving my goatee for the time being... my girlfriend isn't a fan but... I'll never know what I look like unless I let it grow just once ;-)
じゃあね！

comments

I thought a new one wouldn't be that much pricier, but...

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:35:57 GMT

I was poking around like usual and I saw... a chainsaw! Right next to the menstrual pads and incontinence underwear! You're kidding me!! I almost wish I had the 39 bucks to spend right now. It would be great for yard work....
Ahh, and imagine the photo ops provided by an honest-to-God chainsaw... especially in cosplay... oh, how I weep... and at the $39 price point, it's a steal! After getting home I looked it up and these apparently go for about $270 brand new. WTF. Maybe I'll come back for it...

In other news I lost like 4kg by mistake thanks to my prescription medication. Awesome. I'm back to what was previously the high end of my normal range.
Maybe one day I'll be as light as a feather just like Toda-sama... NOT.
Let me lay out the calculations for you: 48/(178^2) = BMI 15.15, severe thinness. To be the same as him I'd have to be 15.15*(1.64^2) = 40.75 KG. Do I look like the kind of guy to have that resolve?! Gah!!!

comments

My body burned and broken, goodbye...

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:35:02 GMT

Ha. Aha. On my way to hang out with a buddy right now, but the track closures on the railroad are inconvenient. It's two buses when I prefer a bus and train.

My document issues at work seemed to persist through systems despite my emailing everything through long before my first day, and as my mentioning this on day two was enough to count as a disruption, I was dismissed. Shucks. Time to send out applications once again...

Oh, my new workstation is awesome though. Her name's Mirai. I'll say more after Friday, when I'll have some nicer cords and the opportunity to install Debian GNU/Linux on her. じゃあね〜

comments

A new workstation on the way.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:34:27 GMT

Ne, the Queen of Blogging is back!... no, it doesn't work if I'm not Toda.

As mentioned in my last blog, I got a full time job; I'm due to start on the 14th now that my document complications have been smoothed over. For now, I wait.

But in celebration... I bought myself a new computer! For only 310 AUD (including shipping), a beautiful Lenovo P410 which will arrive in about four days. It will keep me going for a long, long time. Maybe I'll fight to give it all 128GB of RAM it can hold! Hehehe...

Xeon inside. Xeons are fancy. I'm fancy.

comments

I'm very very foolish.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:33:57 GMT

Friday night I rang my girlfriend, drank a bottle of watermelon flavour soju, and swore at people via online chess. I was miffed when I read the label on the back of the bottle and saw that the stuff I was drinking was something like 11% alcohol. I was under the assumption that it was 13.5%, according to my local liquor store's website.

Yesterday night: I rang my girlfriend, drank a bottle of tropical flavour soju, and apologised a thousand times because I had no idea why I was so drunk. I wasn't that bad yesterday, after all. I spun the bottle around and read the label: 13.5%.

...Ah.

comments

Waow!

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:33:28 GMT

I love to hang out in the library. I love quiet spaces...

They have both PCs and Macs in here. We're really living in the future! It's truly the Space Age! Not even my pricey first high school could manage this!

comments

It's my birthday.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:33:02 GMT

It's my birthday, so I cut my bangs and got all dressed up in Takuya Angel. Yes, to go to college. Be nice. Anywho, I saw a cute guide dog in training at the train station--only 13 weeks old! She was nervous about going down the stairs. If I had a photo of her, I would use it.

I showed up super early so I'm listening to Polysics and sitting around. Typing this on a library computer, where my Google Chrome Portable works just fine. I'm really glad I could set all that stuff up.

I don't want to be the "queen of blogging" like Toda-san used to call himself. But I'll blog a little for the sake of it: you know, my hair is a mess, but it's almost cute. I like cute things; I always have. I have too many feminine qualities. Combined with how the only weight I've lost lately is muscle so that while I'm thin (for a guy) I'm all soft, when I'm dressed up, sometimes I'm mistaken for a woman.

A year ago, in Hiromu Toda cosplay, a wiry nerd stopped in his tracks in the middle of the train cart: "Y-you look stunning..." When I thanked him, he rushed down the aisle to sit further away. I'm no pervert but I get a huge thrill when people hear me speak and realise they've made a grave mistake. (Sometimes people assume I'm a trans person of either direction without even asking though...)

comments

The screens at the train station run on Windows 10.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:32:14 GMT

I'm at the train station right now. Look what I caught for the few moments it was here, neh~ everything shut off, and then just for a moment...someone was logging into Windows 10! I even think the account said "Pi User".

In other news, I am listening to lots and lots of Polysics and Talking Heads. Both very, very good bands... sigh...

comments

Hmm...

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:31:18 GMT

Went out today to pick up a new hot glue gun and a bunch of hot glue. Did you know that I used to to really be into chewing on discarded bits of drying hot glue? I forgot this, until I started using the damn thing.

Lord save us all. Anywho, I caught sight of a beautiful cell tower today~ so tall and strong!

comments

If your day is boring, you can fix that.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:30:56 GMT

I left and wandered around. I had a location in mind: a sturdy pylon who I had met before. I followed her wires north. Further and further... waded through tall grass for fun... ended up with some fabulous views.

Unfortunately some nasty stuff happened between me and some insects. But that's better than being bored, neh~

comments

Sick with boredom

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:30:29 GMT

I forgot both my medication and my USB stick today. I am left not writing, not working on my website, and not even doing school work. My only outlet is online chess. By the time the week is over, I will not have this issue anymore.

My only hope: my iPod. Everyone needs to listen to gurugurueigakan, the best punk-rock band to ever exist. God... why is there not more of them...

comments

Today's been a slog

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:30:03 GMT

I went thrifting today in hopes of finding a bag with a nice bag strap to harvest instead of having to pay more for one from Amazon or AliExpress but... nothing O_o WTF?? There used to be messenger bags everywhere.

I saw this suitcase that I was honestly really tempted by because it's so "me", but I already have one the same size at home that I customised a couple of years ago now. 面倒くさい！面倒くさい！面倒くさい！面倒くさい！

comments

It is so gloomy that the crows don't even want to play.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:29:30 GMT

I went out to buy microfiber cloths (which I spent a long time deciding on just to buy the home brand), and as a bonus, scored a nice bag large enough to hold even my 14-inch iBook with much room to spare for only $5!

I plan on getting a nice shoulder strap for the bag and affixing lots of pins and keychains and so on to it in the future. Maybe I could even put my fabric paint to use... I don't trust in the quality of the material, but if things break, it's simply my job to repair it. ;-)

じゃあね... I'll spend tonight drinking with my girlfriend! After all, it's Valentine's.

comments

Whining

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:29:02 GMT

Various updates: I got some new "straightening" (yea right) shampoo and used it today. My hair is air drying now which will certainly not contribute to the straightness but I'm lazy. I also got a new laptop and I'm so excited to show her off... whenever she arrives that is. I think I'll name her Lithium.

I started taking dexamphetamine and now I dunno what I'm supposed to do otherwise. I feel as regular as always, but I'm sensitive... last night I lay in bed and my heart was pounding and pounding. Nine hours after I had my second pill.

comments

Motto Satisfied!

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:28:17 GMT

I'm really tired today. Really, really, really tired.

I set up portable installs on my USB for my own purposes. I'm gonna have to talk about these in an article soon... ha, ha. The idea is that I'll be able to work on my own projects using any public Windows PC if they aren't so locked down that mere .exe files are banned.

I'm tired, but really, I'm dadadadada-dadada motto satisfied~... Ha. As if many of you would get that one.

comments

Museum yesterday...

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:27:46 GMT

Yesterday I had a lecture in which all I did was play Chess. It was mostly people asking a librarian questions that were in the course reference guide, and I picked up on a lot of it, but the knowledge that I could just read about it helped alleviate my anxiety a little...

Afterward, me and a friend went to the museum. Here the museum is free, and there are many exhibits, and most importantly many taxidermies. Ahh! So cute!

comments

I'm so tired!!!

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:26:39 GMT

I don't have much to report on but school has been nice. I've made a friend! Several!!

I'm really broke but I'm thinking that when I get paid I should get a tablecloth for my desk. Nice and cute. I think it would make my room a lot cuter.

comments

My first day of class...

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:26:08 GMT

Today was, and still is for the next two hours, my orientation for my new course. It's a library course. As expected, many women--this is good! Less expected, a large chunk of men. I thought I might be in a very small minority.

After introducing myself to several interesting looking people I got some comments on my name being unique. It is merely a very European name, but in no way unique... I got complements on my piercings and outfit though, hehe.

After all this, I'm going to Daiso on the way home! I have willed it, so it will happen.

On an unrelated note I bought some new clothes from Taobao a few days ago and arranged for shipment to Australia today. I'm looking forward to it~ I'm greedy and want to be cute at school

comments

I got a new shelf...for free.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:25:36 GMT

I think I committed some kind of fraud.

I ordered a cheap shelf from Kmart to be delivered to my house as I need storage for my books and CDs. I sat here and I prayed: please, come to my house soon! But it took a long time.

Now, four days past the due date and it hadn't even moved across the country. I contacted Kmart first. "My shelf hasn't arrived! Here's all my information!" They, rightfully, processed it as lost in transit then gave me a refund. Then I contacted the courier. "My shelf hasn't arrived! Here's all my information!" They got it to me the next day, that is yesterday.

All according to keikaku...

comments

I've developed some sort of addiction to walking.

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:25:12 GMT

Recently I walk and I walk... for hours and hours...

Yesterday it was 3 hours and 45 minutes. I walked 16.5 kilometers and it was amazing. It also entirely exhausting but I walked back far less damaged than the first time I did this route; in fact, the first time I did this route, I got the bus back home.

You might say, that isn't a bad addiction to have. I guess I agree with you in the end but I spend all day doing nothing just to get all my energy out during the night. I can't really sleep afterwards either, so it's not a sleep aid.

But God is it great to walk!

comments